announcement picture

Updates

lately I have realized I hate blogging, obviously why I never update. Everything has been so opposite of what I thought. I though I would want to announce on facebook right away, but ended up waiting until the 3rd trimester. I thought I would want to document every little thing and keep a huge journal and these blog posts, but Not once have I been excited about blogging. I think it's a good thing for me though to not want to document everything, it helps me live in the moment and realize what's truly important. However, having every little thing documented would be so nice to show our little baby once she gets older. I usually keep every little thing and every thing has so much meaning to me, but now being pregnant I just don't care as much. Part of it may be from having the first miscarriage, it makes you more protective, and I've had a few scares here and there. Couple times of bleeding in the first trimester/ early second. That made me procrastinate announcing on Facebook for sure. And now in the 3rd trimester I have had bleeding twice. Everything came back normal which is always great to hear, but it also means no explanation. I have also been having horrible horrible pains in crotch, like someone is constantly kicking me. They said that is because she is sitting extremely low (like she has this entire pregnancy) and that also explains the horrible back pains I have been having. I have also been having braxton hicks (the "fake" contractions) for a few weeks now, and my doctor said possibly some real ones In there too. This pregnancy has had a very large amount of aches and pains and worries. And it doesn't help when your doctor even tells you that you have it worse than others. I would rather here it's all normal suck it up. And now, this past week has been beyond miserable. My poor husband caught a stomach virus/flu but only had it for two days and we thought I was in the clear until four days later I'm throwing up and having diarrhea and braxton hicks literally all at the same time. How miserable. What's even worse, my friend was throwing me a baby shower this past sunday and I had to cancel. Such a let down for everyone. I have so much guilt now ontop of everything. I feel like I come across as a whiny baby that can't just suck it up. I have so much love and appreciate for my friend and I hate that I'm the one that caused her pain by canceling the shower even though she was understanding. I know it still didn't feel good for her. And now that I am no longer throwing up and my fever is gone, I am hit with more. I have extreme upper abdominal pains. I haven't been able to get up off the couch for the past 2 days. Only to pee and feed the animals. And when I do get up I'm in such horrible pain I am in tears. The nurse I talked to didn't quite understand and thought I was still having tummy troubles from being sick, but finally she got that all of that is over with and this is extreme upper abdominal pains. Basically got no help from her. If I'm not better tomorrow I will just go into the hospital on Thursday. I need some relief. And to top it off even more, we leave Saturday morning at 7am to go 3 hours north to my parents to celebrate Christmas. How it all is going to work I'm not sure, but I'm just taking it day by day. Just praying for some relief and safety for my baby. 

28-30 weeks belly

Weeks 26-27

Belly pictures 24-25

it's a GIRL!!!

22-23 weeks belly pictures

21 weeks

This week stress has been hitting me hard. The gender reveal party is this weekend so you would think its that, but is not. I am in complete control over that. I am nervous about my baby showers. Brents aunt and grandma are leaving for thanksgiving so I said we should have the baby shower before they leave, everyone seemed on board with it but it also felt like nobody was planning anything, and I freak out if I'm not in control. Also I wanted my baby shower on my side to be in November also because it is 3 hours away and I am nervous that the doctor won't let me travel that far when it's a month before I'm due. So I had everything planned out but now I don't think the shower on my side is happening. It is so hard to just not stress. I know it is so bad for the baby, she (or he) kicks me really hard and is wiggling around whenever I am stressed or freaked out. That is the most horrible feeling, knowing I am causing her (or him) to be uncomfortable. I have always been a planner and it drives me nuts when nobody cooperates, but I think now I want to be in control of everything more than ever because I have no idea when this baby really is coming. I have a ball park, and I can't stand it. Since getting pregnant I have wanted the entire 9 months completely planned out. What most people think is if something goes off course I freak out, but that's not true. I just need the rough draft. At least that's what I think in my mind, maybe I do freak out if everything is not according to plan. I'm also nervous about today because we have our appointment to find out the gender. We are finding out on Saturday though at the party, so I am hoping it's obvious on the ultrasound. I am nervous because since I was 9 weeks I have been convinced the baby is a girl. I am nervous that it's going to be a boy. I have bough so many girl outfits, that's how convinced I am. Not just an inkling, I'm possitive it's a girl. I am nervous to be wrong. I want a girl so bad, and I just feel like it's a girl. Even brent started calling her a girl! He wants a boy, but secretly he knows it's a girl too. So it just has to be a girl! Hopefully though, if it is a boy, my reaction will be ok. I'm nervous about being judged too. I will be shocked for sure, but probably also a little sad at first. Just because for so long I see her as a girl and have been planning for a girl, and for that to totally change in one instant is a little much to take on. After a day or two I know if it's a boy I will be so happy and excited. I have to get all the pink and bows and glitter out of my head and focus on boy things. Both brent and I are wearing pink today, hoping it helps haha. I don't know now though if I'll be able to wait until Saturday to find out. And with everyone. I just think it will be too much at once and with so many people. Who would have thought I would be so overwhelmed finding out if it's a boy or a girl. 

20 week picture

Half way!

20 weeks! 4 1/2 months left. When I say it that way it seems so short, but when I think about the first 20 weeks and that I have that long to go, it seems like forever. I am FINALLY getting energy. I think nesting is starting to kick in because I have been cleaning the past two days and I want it all to be perfect. For 4 1/2 months I have been so drained and am hopefully the 2nd half of this pregnant is more joyful. So far it has been. Baby has been kicking everyday and is wide awake right now at 1:30. I love feeling the kicks and I am excited for brent to feel them but they're not strong enough yet. We have put ultrasound scheduled for October 7th to find out the gender and our reveal party is the 11th. As of right now both brent and I will be finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl at the party. I will be super shocked if it's a boy. I'm just so sure it's a girl. It will be exciting to know if the baby is a boy or girl though and then we can start getting the nursery all set up and pick out colors and a theme. It sure seems that the 2nd half of pregnancy has a lot more perks! 

19 weeks

I'm actually 19 1/2 weeks, but we took the picture at 19 weeks. This week I have started getting horrible back pain. It's my lower back/butt and it started really hurting yesterday. Nothing I could do was giving me relief. It's only on my left side but oddly enough when I would stand on my right leg is when I felt extreme pain. Iv just been lazy all day today so far and my back is feeling better, but I am going insane just sitting here. I'm too afraid I'll do something like bend the wrong way or twist or something and then I'll have this pain for a long time. Brent worked from home today and he got me lunch and took care of the animals. Hopefully we can go for a walk in a little bit and see if that helps or not. Hopefully it goes away soon. 

18 weeks and lots of changes

I feel like I have "popped" this week. I was at michaels and the cashier first asked if I was a model, such a lovely compliment! And then she asked if I was expecting. She must have been buttering me up with the compliment incase I was just fat. But I am glad that it is more noticeable that I am indeed pregnant. What a good week to become noticeably pregnant, 18 weeks and 18 is my favorite number. We already know I love when things like that happen. Perfect timing with dates. The other change I've noticed about my body, my belly button is changing. I have always had a very deep innie, never could see or feel the bottom of my belly button, now you can do both. So interesting. Those are the body changes this week. Another major change we did tonight, we moved Kirby, our bunny, to a different room. This may not seem like a big deal but Kirby has been in our room for 2 1/2 years and I wasn't ready to move him to another room until now. I am hoping I will get more sleep without him being in here and that Nala our baby kitten won't be so hyper in our room. I wanted Kirby in a different room once the baby gets here and now just finally seemed right. I am sad that I won't here his little noises at night if he doesn't sleep in here anymore, but I won't miss him throwing his food dish all around and the sounds of his thumps in his cage. Tonight is the first night with him in the other room, hopefully he comes to visit us during the night. As you can imagine I've been struggling with if were going to have our baby start off in our room or not. I am afraid I will be too afraid to change it and it will 2 1/2 years until our child doesn't sleep in our room. Thank goodness for pets, good practice haha. 

Kirby's new room! 

Belly pictures

Finally updating!

It's been awhile since iv updated my blog. Iv been so at peace just trying to live in the moment of the pregnancy. I shocked myself that I haven't even put it on Facebook, I thought I would want to ASAP and I thought I would want to blog everyday through out the pregnancy. But here I am finally updating 5 weeks later. I am currently 17 1/2 weeks pregnant, almost halfway there! Things have been going good. I started getting headaches but that's the only thing really, oh and I am constipated again and it makes me so uncomfortable! I get nervous thinking about being 8-9 months pregnant if I already feel really uncomfortable now. My energy really hasn't come back still either. All this crap about people saying the 2nd trimester is the best is a lie. Everyday I could cry for no reason for some as simple as a leaf fell off a tree. I feel so confused all the time and don't even know what I'm thinking. I feel like a draw a blank every time I try to think. And lately I have become so rude, and I don't even care. I used to always let Brent dish up his food first and I would save some for him after I dish up, but now it's like get out of my way and you better hope I don't eat it all. If it's something I'm craving he can have a nibble and that is it. My patience is at an all time low and the filter in my head has stopped working so I say whatever I am thinking. On a better note though, two nights ago I may have felt the first kicks! I felt them again last night too. It wasn't the flutters everyone is talking about, it's kicks. Like being poked from the inside. Brent wasn't home the first night and was asleep last night, but they are pretty strong and I do think he would be able to feel them. It's just so easy to pass it off as gas because I am gassy and constipated, but iv never felt this feeling before. It's exciting! On October 7th we have an ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby, I'm still thinking girl. And we will have a gender reveal party on the 11th. Right now I want to wait to find out if it's a girl or a boy and find out AT the party. But I could change my mind once were at the appointment. I'm just nervous for my reaction, and what other people will think. Especially if it's a boy and I wanted a girl. But on the same note, if I am upset it's a boy I will have family around to make it a happy moment. Time will tell. But I am having a great time planning the party and making the most amazing invites. I think I might even post it on Facebook after the gender party. But iv said that before haha. I'll have to upload the belly pictures that you've all been missing out on later, my phone isn't uploading the pictures. 

This baby must be a girl

I went to fargo last week and found the most adorable pair of ankle boots but because I'm so indecisive lately I didn't buy them. All I've been doing is obsessing over those shoes which is so unlike me, I just had to have those shoes. I tried so hard to find them online and couldn't. Even with this spotting I am glad I can get a giggle and find some humor, I was talking with my friend kris and saying that the baby is obviously a girl and were both stressing about not buying those shoes which is why I am bleeding. Obviously not the case, but it's cute and a better theory than anything bad. Well my mom and sister are in fargo and I begged and begged her to go back to the store to get those shoes for me and I'll pay her back. She did! Now I just have to wait until next Friday to get them in person. We'll see if the bleeding stops now haha. And then this baby is clearly a girl and obsessed with shoes. A little humor and jokes make me feel better. 

12 weeks and more spotting

It is amazing how much my bump had grown. We had our screening yesterday for down syndrom, they said everything looks good and we'll know the results soon. We got to see the baby and he/she was jumping all over and kicking and punching. It was so awesome to see. We heard the heartbeat again at 153 beats per minute. The tech also said the placenta is behind the baby and I read online that will make you show sooner and bigger, makes sense. 

The baby had his/her arms up and was waving at us, so cute. But had the legs crossed so we weren't even able to get a guess if it's a boy or a girl. Hopefully were able to see at 20 weeks!

Yesterday evening I went to the bathroom and there was more spotting, this is the 3rd time this pregnancy. It's very light, but any amount of bleeding is so terrifying. The nurse said to keep monitoring it, and it's getting lighter since I was sleeping. The plan now is to just take it easy and rest a lot. My mom thinks it's when my period would be due, it happened at 4 weeks, 6 weeks, and now 12 weeks, so there really isn't a pattern. We'll see if I spot again down the road or not. I just wish I knew why this was happening. I feel like I am doing something to cause this but I have been so cautious. This just takes a lot out of me emotionally and mentally. I am exhausted so watching tv all day sounds nice. I feel like that's all I can do is lay down all day. If it helps or not at least I know I'm trying to make this stop. I am always terrified when I go to the bathroom I will see blood, and eventually I convince myself I'm being paranoid and then there it is. Were just praying everything is ok, it seems so crazy that we just saw the baby and it was perfect and then later I started bleeding. And it was an ultrasound on my stomach so nothing was inserted. Just hold tight baby and keeping moving around and having fun in there! I love you so much and am trying to protect you. 

Hearing the heartbeat

We had our 2nd doctors appointment yesterday and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! It was 156 beats per minute and she said that the chance of a miscarriage go way down now. It makes everything seem so real. There is a real human being inside of me =) I just wish I would get to meet this little baby sooner! We both really like our doctor now, that makes it an even better experience. She explained everything to us and went over my lab results, the tests the last doctor never told us they were doing. That all was great and the pregnancy is going great too! Even though my tummy sure is growing, I have actually lost one pound. The doctor said that is ok but soon they want to see me gaining weight. Seems more realistic now because my nausea is getting way better! Food actually sounds so good, so I don't think it will be a problem gaining weight now haha. We have the 1st trimester screening on Tuesday so we will get to see the baby again. I am really excited about that! 

11 weeks

I was 11 weeks yesterday. The baby is the size if a lime! He/she is yawning and chewing and doing summersaults, I wish I could feel him/her move. My stomach just keeps getting bigger and bigger. Everything I read online says it's caused from bloating, but it keeps growing. I shouldn't be showing yet, and my belly should not be this big! Not much has changed this week, but my nausea has been a little better thank goodness. I'm leaving tomorrow to go to fargo to visit my mom and sister and my mom and I are going to heaven is for real- live. I sure hope I can stay awake for it. 

Crazy emotions

My emotions are in full force. Coming home from the 4th of July I had my first taste of these uncontrollable emotions when Dairy Queen ran out of chicken strips, I started bawling. The next was because I was just so sick and wanted apple juice and we didn't have any. I thought if those two times were basically it, it wasn't too bad. But yesterday I spent basically the entire day just crying. All of the doctor confusing just made the tears flow. Then everything set me off including previews for movies Iv already seen. I was hoping today would be better but right before Brent left for work I started bawling. I just didn't want him to leave. He felt bad that he couldn't stay home, but he is working from home tomorrow! Yay! Today my neighbor and I are getting the house back in order, meaning the kitchen that has exploded. And then we are making a bunch of freezer ready meals because I haven't had the energy and iv been so sick so I haven't been making many dinners. Being around her always lifts my spirit so I am sure these crazy emotions will turn happy very soon. 

Confused

Our doctor told us the 2nd trimester starts at the beginning of 12 weeks. I thought that was early and that it should be the beginning of 14 weeks. I just called to schedule our 1st trimester screenings and that lady was saying beginning of 14 weeks. You would think the 2nd trimester would be the same for everyone. I just don't understand how I am being told two different things, which are off by TWO WEEKS! That's a big difference. Iv just been kind of disappointment with my doctor(s) they didn't even tell me what they check for when they take my blood or urine, I should have asked I guess, but I just feel like I'm left to figure out everything on my own. I felt like that when I had my miscarriage too. The only thing they told me was if I was bleeding a lot to go to the ER. How is that all you tell someone? I google everything and ask others that have been pregnant with all my questions. And when I brought a list of questions to the doctor after my miscarriage he looked at me like ok, why are you asking me these questions. Maybe we should try an appointment at a different location, but I think it might be the same doctors. I am pretty sure I want a doula when labor gets closer. Insurance doesn't cover that so of course Brent is going to say you don't need that, but I do. I always have so many questions and doctors just don't care. I freak out about everything and I was someone that will be there to support me. I know I have friends, and they have been amazing, but I think a doula is still going to be in our future. 

Update: I called to reschedule our appointment with the first doctor we saw before we were even pregnant, and now the doctors office has no record of me! What is going on? 

Insomnia

 it's only 11pm, but this is the latest iv been able to stay awake. I went to bed at 8:30 like iv been normally doing because I was so tired and so nauseous. After laying here for a couple hours and not being able to get comfortable because I felt like I was going to throw up I got a second wind. And now of course our new kitten is wide awake and hyper. She is clawing on everything and running around like crazy, and of course she HAS to be where I am. There's no chance of sleep now. And now the cat got the bunny going. Everyone is running around like crazy and I am sitting here watching full house. Hopefully I can fall asleep soon. 

So much to do

I was 10 weeks yesterday, but forgot to take a belly picture. We are officially in the double digits! I feel a lot better about the pregnancy now, not as worried that something will happen. My worries have now changed, we only have 6 months until the baby is here and I feel like we have two years worth of work to do around the house and I procrastinate like crazy, and still don't have much motivation. But yesterday my awesome husband surprised me and bought me a keurig! Maybe a little caffeine will help get me up off of the couch. 

9 weeks

I was 9 weeks on Monday and we had our first doctors appointment. They didn't do much, took urine and blood and that was it. Our next appointment was supposed to be in 4 weeks but she said we could come back in two weeks so we would be able to hear the heart beat. So our next appointment is July 28th. I have been way more emotional lately and just lazy. I am so exhausted and my stomach just feels so funny and gurgly. I'm still nauseous and it's worse when I'm constipated. Brent's starting to get annoyed because I refuse to do the dirty dishes so they are piling up. I need to just push through it and get some things done. One a happier note, we bought a new king size bed and two glider swivel recliners! The bed is being delivered on Friday and I cannot wait. We currently have a queen bed so I'm really excited for the extra room! Our recliners won't be here for a couple weeks but that is ok because we got a baby kitten and she likes to claw things. And on another different note, this weekend is pro nationals for motocross and we go every year but this year we are staying home. I just don't think I would make it through an entire day outside in the sun. It starts at like 8am and goes all day and it's 2 hours away. It just doesn't sound fun this year. I am sad still that we won't be there, but we will watch it on tv. 

Always something to worry about

My bump at 8 weeks, which was Monday. I can't believe I have a tummy already. My mom was in maternity clothes in first trimester and then she shrunk down in her 2nd, maybe that's what will happen to me haha. I wish. This past week exhaustion has hit me in the face. It's horrible. I'm ready for bed by 8pm and need to take naps during the day. I don't know how anyone can work during the first trimester, I applaud you. I would get nothing done at work. I barely get anything done at home. I also haven't been able to stand food. It is beyond hard to find anything that sounds even a little appealing. Iv been nauseous but not throwing up and I'm happy about that. Last night I was laying in bed and realized my boobs didn't really hurt, and normally they are killing me. Today food hasn't sounded disgusting, a lot actually sounds good. I'm terrified something happened to the baby. Over the 4th of July Brent and I were laying on a hammock and it broke and I got the wind knocked out of me. Iv been so worried that did something to the baby. I know he/she is very protected in there but after just having a miscarriage and spotting twice with this pregnancy, I can't help but worry all the time. And now it seems like my symptoms are fading away. We had an ultrasound July 2nd. Baby looked great with a heartbeat of 143!

Seeing the baby and the heartbeat was so amazing. I felt so good about everything. I wish we could have an ultrasound every week. We do have our first doctors appointment on Monday so I am excited about that and to ask about my symptoms disappearing. I just hope all well with the baby. Brent keeps reassuring me that everything is fine because I have no bleeding or cramping, but I'm sure I'll worry through out this entire pregnancy. I am just looking forward to the  2nd trimester when the scariest part is over. 

Up and down

On Tuesday I passed a small clot and then has a little spotting for the next day. I thought I was going to have no other problems or bleeding after that first time. I am learning it's not just have one scare and you're fine, I now just want to make it through the first trimester, then I'm sure the 2nd and 3rd. I am just looking forward to being through the scariest part. I went in Friday and had blood drawn and that came back at 39,000!! Very high. If something happened to the baby on Tuesday there is no way my levels would be that high on Friday. I had more blood drawn today to make sure it's doubling. I'll know those results tomorrow and then hopefully an ultrasound tomorrow as well. Hearing the heartbeat is much needed right now. And of course we will know exactly how far along I am. I think I am 7 weeks 2 days. We'll see how far off I am. It's funny how the calculate pregnancy. You're considered 2 weeks already at conception, and my miscarriage will be 7 weeks ago tomorrow. So it's funny to say I think I'm 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. 
My pregnancy symptoms are still going so that's a great sign. I have been super nauseous this past week, Brent says he is happy I feel sick haha, but I agree, it means everything is ok. Exhaustion has been hiting me hard this week too. I barely have gotten up off the couch. When I get up I am light headed and feel like I'm going to puke and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I am excited for all of this to pass but I am also thankful that I'm not throwing up every few minutes. Another surprising thing has been my hate towards left overs. I have no problem eating a meal once, but if it's been in the fridge I don't even want to look at it. Brent loves having so much extra food around, but I'm struggling to find a full balanced meal. Hopefully my appetite starts to come back. I am glad I will be in the 2nd trimester when we go to the state fair. The food already sounds good. And Troy and Tiffany will be back for a week then. For the most part things are going good. A few ups and downs, but in the end the good outweighs the bad. 

What are you baby

I want to know so bad if this baby is a boy or girl. I am actually thinking about going to a psychic. Maybe see three different ones and if I get the same answer hopefully I'll believe it. Otherwise I have about 15 weeks left until I find out! That is so far away. I think this baby is a boy and the first baby was a girl. My neighbor thinks the opposite. I hope she is right! I want a girl so bad. Iv been trying to find some names, I figure I'll change my mind a million times so I better start early, and I'm super indecisive. We have a girls name we both like, Khloe, but it's not very unique and interesting. Iv always wanted a unique name, not something crazy like north west, just cute and unique. That's now the "in" thing which is lame, every name is original and unique and if course I'm not going to be able to come up with anything. 
On a different note, this baby is exhausting. I replanted six plants yesterday and after just digging one hole I was out of breathe. I had to take a break after each plant. I normally would get tired and take a break maybe half way through to get some water and cool down, but I was out of breathe instantly. I know this common, but it's still a surprise. You don't realize how different any activity is going to be until you do it. I love it though, it means my little tiny baby is getting a lot of oxygen and blood pumping to it! Id rather have a healthy happy growing baby than work on landscaping. There's always time for that later. But I always start projects and never finish them. That was one thing Brent said to me when I started to makeover our bedroom, I had to finish it. I had the motivation and will power to do it, but iv been told not to paint while I'm pregnant. So I'm forced to not finish. My mom and sister and my neighbor all said they would come finish for me, I'm glad it will be done but sad that I don't get to finish it. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my landscaping project. I love being outside and yard work/gardening is a perfect way to get out there. Otherwise if I get too hot or tired working outside I'll have to resort to indoor projects with the windows open. Close enough I guess! 

I knew it

I knew it!!! I was so confident we would get pregnant again right away and I knew I was pregnant three days after ovulation. All those symptoms I passed off as ovulation because I thought it was too early was definitely pregnancy symptoms. I took the bottom test last Wednesday and the next one the next morning. We were gone all weekend at the motocross races and when we got back I started having spotting on Monday. I was so sad that I was having a miscarriage again, but iv had such a good feeling about this baby before he/she was even conceived. I took another test on Monday and it very very very positive. I knew that was a good sign. Wednesday I took another to see of it was getting lighter but it was just as dark! It's actually darker than the reference line. I know my baby is fine and I know I will be holding this baby in my arms in February. Hopefully I have a great pregnancy from here on out. 

Hoping for some good news

today was supposed to be my first doctors appointment. I would have been 8 1/2 weeks. As time has gone by and life has gone on, everything has gone back to normal. That makes me happy and sad. I am happy that I'm not dwelling on anything or stuck in a hole, but I am sad because it's just not fair that time doesn't stand still and that my baby is gone. I'm glad I'm able to move forward but I feel like we just left our baby behind. Everything is feeling more like it did when we were trying to conceive, not like it's only been a few weeks since my baby died. It seems like this happened an eternity ago and I am afraid I will forget somehow. My friend Joanna send me a beautiful ring with the baby's due date and birthstone and the date I lost the baby and that stone. It is a great reminder that even though it seems like my baby is far away and long forgotten to the world, I will always remember and always love. 

We are now ready to get pregnant again. And I was pushy that we start trying right away. We were obviously good at making a baby the first time, only took two tries, and they say your more fertile after a miscarriage. We were 50/50, and now the odds are leaning our way. I swore I was pregnant again, everything was just like it was, only a lot sooner. Iv now written it off as ovulation. My face was breaking out and it only does when I'm about to get my period. I had a headache for a couple days, just like I did last time but my headache started about 4 days before my period was due. My back hurt and I had those gurgly noises. But it was about a week before my period is due. But now my stomach has been crampy, it's letting up though. I took a test today and it was clearly negative. It's so hard to say when I'm supposed to get my period but I'm assuming it should be showing up this weekend. May was a roller coaster of emotions. I never knew I could experience so many emotions so fast. I was excited, scared, sad, mortified, depressed, motivated, hopeful, excited again, nervous, and back to blah. Blah seems like a good place to be in. It can go either way to happy or sad and your ready for good or bad news. But I sure am ready for some much needed good news!

Forever loved

at my doctors appointment Tuesday the tested my HCG levels and that came back at 644, which is low. I was expecting them to be low but what I wasn't expecting is that I would have a miscarriage that day. About an hour after we got home Tuesday the 13th my bleeding started getting heavier and there were clots. I knew I was losing the baby, and then the cramping started. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, it lasted a couple hours at then just minimum pain. They tested my HCG again on Thursday and it was at 84 which confirmed I lost the baby. I cried for about three days but I haven't cried since. I miss my baby everyday, but when you fall off a horse you have to get back on. Which is a funny saying because I am terrified of horses. And losing my baby has been terrifying. I feel better about the whole situation because Brent's dad passed away when he was 12, so I feel like God made this baby for the purpose of it going to heaven to be with Brent's dad. I am still very sad, but that helps a lot knowing where my baby is. Now were ready to try again, but there isn't any right timing. Everything is off schedule down there and I have no idea when I will be ovulating or when my period is even due. They say if I haven't gotten a period six weeks after my miscarriage to take a home pregnancy test. So I'm hoping we hit the mark and get to have a baby. Im sure I'm going to have many more days that are hard to deal with, but I'm doing good right now. I looked at it two ways, I could be depressed and go on with getting the bare minimums done, which would be perfectly fine, or I could use this time to get things done that I can't when I'm pregnant. I was sad that I couldn't finish painting our bedroom, so now I am determined to get that done.  Maybe I'm in a weird funk and avoiding my emotions, but I just feel good right now. Like this was just a hiccup in our journey. Whatever it is, and whatever I am or am not feeling, I know this baby is missed everyday and I will always miss and love my baby. And he/she is waiting for me in heaven. 

Hold tight baby

We went up north to my parents house for the weekend and it was the most active iv been so far with this baby. Nothing crazy, just not very many breaks. We were playing yard games and walking around non stop it seemed. We were playing botchee ball Saturday and everytime I threw my ball I could feel my uterus stretching and then after we ate dinner I blew up and looked liked I was 6 months pregnant. Everyone was concered there is more than one baby.

Thank goodness the 'bump' went down in the morning again. But really, wow! I am excited to show, but when I'm supposed to be. My mom said she was in maternity clothes before the 3rd month but then she shrank a little, I must take after her. 

But then when we were on the way home Sunday, we stopped at a gas station so I could pee and there was a very small amount of red blood. I know this can be normal but it is terrifying. I went out to the car and just started crying. When we got home it had stopped, but there was a very slight pinkish before I went to bed and now this morning it is getting worse. I am terrified. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to make sure everything is ok. I know whatever happens is going to happen but I feel like crap. My job is to protect this baby and I feel like I letting him/her down. I have been praying constantly and I have no cramping or anything so that is a good sign, but no matter what it is so scary. I am just taking it very easy today, it's a rainy day so perfect for movies and laying on the couch. I just want to rest my baby as much as I can. I know I didn't do anything to hurt the baby, I was playing yard games. That is nothing. But I should have taken more breaks and maybe this is the baby saying I need rest. I don't want to be lazy though and my brother in law is coming this weekend so I want the house to be spotless. But id much rather have a messy house and healthy baby. 

I love you so much baby and I pray that you are doing ok in there. I pray that you keep holding on tight and that we have a very healthy term together. You are loved by so many people already and I am doing everything I can to protect you. I hope I haven't let you down. You are already apart of this family so please keep holding on. I am getting you to the doctor tomorrow to make sure your healthy. I hope to see you and your heartbeat tomorrow. You mean everything to me and your dad and we can't wait to meet you. I love you so much baby. 

Bloated

Holy bloated. Every morning after I poop I look like i normally do, then by the time I go to bed I am so bloated. I feel great in the mornings, at night my whole body is just exhausted. My boobs hurt so bad that even going down the stairs with a bra on I have to hold them =\ is should probably go get a much more supportive bra. But in the morning they don't hurt nearly as bad. My stomach makes crazy gurgly noises in the evenings and feels like gas pains with stretching. I am more happy in the mornings and cranky at night which is the opposite of what it normally is. The only things that I notice in the mornings is that my back hurts. I must not be sleeping in a good position at all. I desperetly want to sleep on my stomach but it just felt very weird and unatural, it felt like I was crushing my baby and didn't feel safe. I asked the doctor over the phone if I can sleep or lay on my stomach and they said no. Basically everything I though, maybe that's my motherly instinct kicking in already?? I also scheduled our first appointment, June 2nd. It seems very far away so I'm hoping the weeks go by fast. I think they will, we are going up to my parents this weekend for opener and my cousin Bethany is going up with us and my aunt and uncle are going, and my other cousin might go too! I am very excited. We all live 10 minutes away except my cousin Chris, but it is always fun up there with everyone. And the next weekend my brother in law Troy and his girlfriend are coming here. It is also Brent's birthday on the 15th, and my half birthday that day ;) the days will hopefully go by fast so I can see my baby soon! 

First purchase

I bought my first purchase for the baby! Wild gear! Miko looks a little concerned in this picture that those outfits are for him. I also bought a shirt that says current family favorite, fuzzy socks, and little baby hangers. I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl, I'm hoping for a girl. I am excited to decorate the baby's room and guy all the gender clothes and extras. It seems like it's going to be forever until we find out. It seems so far away for our first doctors appointment even which i want to schedule for about three weeks away. According to my last period I am 4 weeks and 4 days along, im sure that will change a little at my first appointment. I do have questions about exercising though, walking just doesn't seem like enough. I want to use my shake weight and do my regular yoga but everyone says to ask my doctor but that seems so far away. I just feel so out of shape and icky. I'm super bloated and constipated. Its like when you get your period, but then it goes away and you feel super skinny and feel great. I guess it's going to be awhile until I feel like that again haha. I just wish I got the baby bump right away and you could  tell it obvious your pregnant. Baby bumps are so cute, and I am excited for that to show. But again, it will be awhile. I haven't had any symptoms besides bloated and constipated. Some heart burn with certain foods, but iv been using lemon and peppermint essential oils for that and it's been working great! I ate a fiber one bar last night and had coffee this morning and that worked for the constipation. Things are going good and I hope they stay that way, hopefully no morning sickness. But I'm sure it's on it's way. 

Whoa baby!

WERE PREGNANT!

I took a test Tuesday evening and there were two lines instantly! I was so sure I wasn't pregnant, I guess everyone was right about just relaxing. We are both still in shock, excited, but shocked that it only took two tries, and shocked that were going to be parents. We already told my parents, Brent's mom, and a few friends. Were hoping nobody spreads the word so we are able to tell everyone else, and I don't think either of us want to wait until the 2nd trimester. If someone horrible happens I want the support of family and friends. But hopefully the baby just stays strong and keeps growing! I cannot wait to see him or her and hear the heartbeat. I am so excited and shocked. I already love this baby so much!!!

Not much going on

My body has been changing so much lately. After ovulation I get so exhausted up until I get my period, I never used to be tired. My boobs used to start hurting about three days before my period now they are starting to hurt a week early. I would get acne about three days before I got my period too and I'm already breaking out a week early. Also my period used to last two-three days and now it's four-five. It's annoying that I'm noticing all these small changes now because it's quite deceiving when your ttc. This month hasn't been as bad as last, im not obsessing over every little thing and I'm not planning anything. I was a little sad over Easter that I couldn't announce it when we were dying Easter eggs, but that is really the only thing I thought about. Oh and the hot tub, iv been wanting to sit in it so bad but if something is happening inside me that would be like cooking it, so no hot tub. And I'm on an alcohol kick, which means once or twice a week which is rare, but I can't drink it. I think I want things more now because I can't have them. We went a couple months without sitting in the hot tub, and I rarely ever drink. I'm sure if I get my period in a week I won't want any of that. But besides those small things, there's not much going on. I'm pretty content and just being normal. Hopefully this feeling stays this way for another week. 

Method #2

I am much happier now than in my last post. Definitely a mixture of evil period moods and the emotions of not conceiving. I'm just glad I'm happier now. This cycle is way different than the last already. Last month I did a crazy amount of research, ate certain foods and avoided certain foods, I wanted to be perfect. Now that didn't work at all to help conceive, I'm not even thinking about what I should or shouldn't be doing now, with some exceptions. I'm still not cleaning the cleaner and I'm ok with that, but it is annoying not being able to clean it and to rely on Brent to clean it, but he's doing a better job than I ever did. I'm still trying to exercise, key word is trying. I'm still not taking drugs, wouldn't want to even if we weren't trying to conceive. The day I got my period I drank a lot of coffee in retaliation and because I love it, but I'm so used to one cup a day now that it was too much. I got cavities filled on Monday and they gave me laughing gas, which caused a headache and I still have it. I wouldn't have had to option to get the gas if I was pregnant. I'm also craving alcohol. Not like taking shots or getting drunk, just a Bloody Mary or a beer with olives. It has been a very long time since iv had a beer, it just hasn't sounded good at all. I think now that it is getting warmer out a beer sounds delicious. I'll still cut out alcohol and extra caffeine once I'm in the two week wait which starts in a week. So for the rest of this week I'm going to live completely normal. That seems to be everyone's advice too, friends and family and online. If this doesn't help us to conceive maybe a combination of both? But I don't have anymore methods so it can't take longer than three months ;) iv also been contemplating telling my mom that we are trying for a baby. I think if it takes longer than three months and I'm upset or frustrated I'll tell her. Otherwise iv been pretty content with the people who know. I did also add my cousin Bethany who is more of a sister to the list of people who know. Hopefully I can keep this calmness once I'm in the two week wait, it really is much more peaceful. 

If I don't tell, don't ask

I still have been in a much happier place since we decided to try for a baby. Brent has notices this too. Life seems to be coming back around. I think I was lost trying to find my place as just a wife, and now that we are trying to conceive I feel a whole new sense of purpose. That is all great, but I am starting to have zero patience towards other people. More specifically people butting into my life. Since we've been married people ask if I'm pregnant or when were going to start trying. It didn't annoy me much then, it was giving me hope that it would come someday soon. Now when people ask me anything baby related I want to tell them to shut up and leave me alone. I never realized how private this process is and that there is way more to it than I thought. One of my aunts called Thursday and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner and I told her that I'll have to see because I have a stomachache and she asked right away if I was pregnant. It's irritating that once you get married you can't just have a regular stomachache. And then of course it was the day I got my period! I wanted so badly to say, well this was our first month trying and I just my period today so thanks for pointing out I failed bitch! Iv become quite an evil little person in my mind =\ but I never knew there was more to getting pregnant than just getting pregnant. You'd think people would be more sensitive. And poor Brent, he wanted to cheer me up and asked if I wanted to play life that same day and I said no, you have babies in that game and we don't in real life. I think iv learned I'm not emotional through this process so far, I'm just mean. And to make it even worse, another aunt text me today asking if I was taking prenatal vitamins and I was so confused how she could know this, I have told three people; my best friend, my neighbor, and a friend that lives in California, and anyone reading this, note to all you- don't tell anyone. But then she said I posted something about it in a closed Facebook group about the young living essential oils that I use and my aunt does too. Duh. So anyway, I told her yes I am taking them. That it's good to be on them now even if we weren't trying for another six months. (Not sure if anyone gets on prenatal vitamins that early) but then she asked if I had a secret and I said no. She said she didn't believe me and she thinks I am pregnant. My response to that was, "I can send you a picture of my bloody tampon" (I told you I'm so rude now) but then she asked if I promise I'm not pregnant. Yes, I really really really promise. I asked her to not ask me anymore because if I were pregnant I would be forced to tell her. I want to tell people were pregnant when we are in my time and in my way. It sucks that people are asking and I just got my period and I'm very rude about this PRIVATE matter. So to anyone that wants to be nosy all I have to say is shut up and leave me alone. I'm already cranky and now you're really pissing me off! I'm glad people are excited but nobody knows what going on behind our closed doors. And the nosy annoying people are taking OUR (Brent and I) joy, sadness, anger, or rudeness away. It's our process and our emotions. Let us have them. This isn't anyone else's journey unless we invite you to take it with us. So if I don't tell, don't ask. 

The girl that cried wolf

I got my period. I feel like I cried wolf, thinking I was pregnant and I wasn't. The past few weeks have been just off. I thought that it really could have been because I was pregnant and I wanted so badly to be able to say I knew it! Now all I can say is just kidding, I'm an idiot. I knew it was pretty unlikely to get pregnant our first cycle but I just wanted it to so bad. But at the same time, I'm not really upset. I thought I would be hysterically crying for at least a day, but nope. I'm just kind of like oh, it'll happen. And that is beyond weird for me. Does that mean I'm not ready for a baby?? I was so excited that if be able to tell my family over Easter and I think that's what I am most disappointed about, how pathetic? I am excited that I now have at least two weeks to finish painting the bedroom before there is a group if cells and worry about harming a forming baby. I also need to get back into a good exercise routine and now I have two weeks to form that routine. I also bought a book last month about preparing yourself, emotionally and psychically before you get pregnant. I would have been a little sad that I only read three chapters of that and then go pregnant. Of course I don't want it to take a long time to get pregnant, but this is also a process/journey and I know I have to take it. 

Either or

Either I am pregnant or I'm going to have a really bad period. The nausea I was having only lasted those two days, so that was just random. My stomach was crampy and I just thought it was because I was constipated, so I have been taking more fiber and iv been pooping a lot, so I don't think I'm constipated and the cramping hasn't stopped. My boobs started hurting two days ago, and normally they start hurting about three days before my period. This is a week early. I have been extremely tired, and I am never tired. I normally get about four hours of sleep a night and am fine running off that. But this past week I barely make it up to bed and as soon as I'm in in bed I'm out. I thought I was getting sick because I have been so tired. And my mind has just been in a fog. I can't even remember what happened 5 minutes ago, but that is because I'm so tired. Now I just can't wait to confirm that I'm pregnant, and if my period does show up I know I am going to be devastated. If I am pregnant then during easter we can tell my family. I have the cutest way to tell them too! My mom wants to be the first person to know so I'm going to write on an Easter egg "we're pregnant!" And put it in the coloring and ask my mom to take it out. So cute I know. And I know I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff because chances are we didn't conceive on the first try. But I can't help but get excited. I don't know why my stomachs been hurting and iv been so tired, it just had to be because of a baby. Praying that it is. 

The wonder

I am two days past ovulation. I just desperetly want to know what is going on inside of me. Is there a fertalized egg? Did nothing happen? If it's fertalized will it attach to my uterus walls? So many questions. Iv heard the two week wait was hard, but it's not that I am eager to know if I'm pregnant or not, I just want to know what's going on this very moment. Iv been reading that quite a few people have known they were pregnant well before a positive test. Iv been very nauseous the past two days, and crampy. But I think it's just bad timing. I get nauseous a lot normally, but this is worse than normal. It's probably a mixture is nerves and excitement. And it is also probably a little of my mind playing tricks on me. I just need to stay busy and keep my mind off what is or isn't going on inside of me. 

and so it begins

I am so excited that after a year+ of waiting, we are going to start trying for a baby this month! I made my pre-conception appointment and have been looking up everything to help you conceive faster. I am on a "conception diet" which isn't a diet to lose weight, just certain foods at certain times of the month. I've never had good eating habits, so this is making me focus on eating in a very healthy way. I also did my research on things I shouldn't be doing, and things Brent shouldn't be doing. Obvious alcohol and drugs, but we don't do those anyways, but I am happy to tell you that I shouldn't be cleaning the cat liter! There is something that can be in their poop that you shouldn't handle when you're pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. I think it's actually harmful if you touch it, and who touches it? but I'll take it! another thing I'm excited about, Brent needs to limit his time on his cell phone, really it should just be under 4 hours, and he isn't on his phone too much anyways, but I can tell him that he shouldn't take it out now. Also he can't put his phone near his junk, so not even in his pocket. That one has been hard for him, he usually sets in on his lap all the time. He also can't put a laptop directly on his lab, he needs a pillow in between the two. laptops can heat his junk up by 35 degrees! and heat can kill sperm =( which also means no hot tubs for him, this is unfortunate because we own a hot tub, but its getting nicer out so it hasn't been a big deal. I have learned through all my research that it takes 3 months for sperm to mature. hopefully there are some mature ones in there. Not much has changed for me, just eating right and exercising. and by exercising I mean going for a walk once a day. Other than that I haven't had to change much, yet. I will get on pre-natal vitamins at my pre-conception appointment and then do whatever else they tell us to do. But speaking of my appointment, I've had my first set back, already! We always go to Allina for doctor's appointments and I scheduled my appointment there, and they told my our health insurance isn't in the Allina region! I was pretty upset because the hospital is 5-10 minutes away, and that would be ideal when having to go to appointments and eventually deliver a baby. Now we have to go to Maple Grove, which is 30 minutes away. A small set back, that will turn into a benefit. I toured the hospital here in Anoka with my cousin a few years back and I wasn't too thrilled with it, you change rooms 3 times and you're doctor for delivery is whoever is on call. But I was reading a little on the maternity ward in Maple Grove and their rooms are like hotel suites, I am excited about that, hopefully you don't switched rooms, and hopefully you're doctor is the one who delivers the baby. I am obviously way ahead of myself, we're not even pregnant yet. But I love to plan ahead and be ready for what's coming. Even if things go way off my plan, at least I have one. I've also noticed my entire mood and attitude just towards life and myself has completely changed, already. It very well could be that its not so darn cold out and spring has sprung, but I think it has a lot to do with trying for a baby. I am way more motivated now, I think that's because I want to get things done before I can't do them anymore. My bedroom is my current project, it's getting a complete makeover. And once I'm pregnant I don't think being around paint fumes would be ideal. I am just very positive and I hope I stay positive if, which most likely, we don't conceive this month. I am just very excited about everything.