21 weeks

This week stress has been hitting me hard. The gender reveal party is this weekend so you would think its that, but is not. I am in complete control over that. I am nervous about my baby showers. Brents aunt and grandma are leaving for thanksgiving so I said we should have the baby shower before they leave, everyone seemed on board with it but it also felt like nobody was planning anything, and I freak out if I'm not in control. Also I wanted my baby shower on my side to be in November also because it is 3 hours away and I am nervous that the doctor won't let me travel that far when it's a month before I'm due. So I had everything planned out but now I don't think the shower on my side is happening. It is so hard to just not stress. I know it is so bad for the baby, she (or he) kicks me really hard and is wiggling around whenever I am stressed or freaked out. That is the most horrible feeling, knowing I am causing her (or him) to be uncomfortable. I have always been a planner and it drives me nuts when nobody cooperates, but I think now I want to be in control of everything more than ever because I have no idea when this baby really is coming. I have a ball park, and I can't stand it. Since getting pregnant I have wanted the entire 9 months completely planned out. What most people think is if something goes off course I freak out, but that's not true. I just need the rough draft. At least that's what I think in my mind, maybe I do freak out if everything is not according to plan. I'm also nervous about today because we have our appointment to find out the gender. We are finding out on Saturday though at the party, so I am hoping it's obvious on the ultrasound. I am nervous because since I was 9 weeks I have been convinced the baby is a girl. I am nervous that it's going to be a boy. I have bough so many girl outfits, that's how convinced I am. Not just an inkling, I'm possitive it's a girl. I am nervous to be wrong. I want a girl so bad, and I just feel like it's a girl. Even brent started calling her a girl! He wants a boy, but secretly he knows it's a girl too. So it just has to be a girl! Hopefully though, if it is a boy, my reaction will be ok. I'm nervous about being judged too. I will be shocked for sure, but probably also a little sad at first. Just because for so long I see her as a girl and have been planning for a girl, and for that to totally change in one instant is a little much to take on. After a day or two I know if it's a boy I will be so happy and excited. I have to get all the pink and bows and glitter out of my head and focus on boy things. Both brent and I are wearing pink today, hoping it helps haha. I don't know now though if I'll be able to wait until Saturday to find out. And with everyone. I just think it will be too much at once and with so many people. Who would have thought I would be so overwhelmed finding out if it's a boy or a girl.