Forever loved

at my doctors appointment Tuesday the tested my HCG levels and that came back at 644, which is low. I was expecting them to be low but what I wasn't expecting is that I would have a miscarriage that day. About an hour after we got home Tuesday the 13th my bleeding started getting heavier and there were clots. I knew I was losing the baby, and then the cramping started. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, it lasted a couple hours at then just minimum pain. They tested my HCG again on Thursday and it was at 84 which confirmed I lost the baby. I cried for about three days but I haven't cried since. I miss my baby everyday, but when you fall off a horse you have to get back on. Which is a funny saying because I am terrified of horses. And losing my baby has been terrifying. I feel better about the whole situation because Brent's dad passed away when he was 12, so I feel like God made this baby for the purpose of it going to heaven to be with Brent's dad. I am still very sad, but that helps a lot knowing where my baby is. Now were ready to try again, but there isn't any right timing. Everything is off schedule down there and I have no idea when I will be ovulating or when my period is even due. They say if I haven't gotten a period six weeks after my miscarriage to take a home pregnancy test. So I'm hoping we hit the mark and get to have a baby. Im sure I'm going to have many more days that are hard to deal with, but I'm doing good right now. I looked at it two ways, I could be depressed and go on with getting the bare minimums done, which would be perfectly fine, or I could use this time to get things done that I can't when I'm pregnant. I was sad that I couldn't finish painting our bedroom, so now I am determined to get that done.  Maybe I'm in a weird funk and avoiding my emotions, but I just feel good right now. Like this was just a hiccup in our journey. Whatever it is, and whatever I am or am not feeling, I know this baby is missed everyday and I will always miss and love my baby. And he/she is waiting for me in heaven.