Forever loved

at my doctors appointment Tuesday the tested my HCG levels and that came back at 644, which is low. I was expecting them to be low but what I wasn't expecting is that I would have a miscarriage that day. About an hour after we got home Tuesday the 13th my bleeding started getting heavier and there were clots. I knew I was losing the baby, and then the cramping started. It wasn't as painful as I thought it was going to be, it lasted a couple hours at then just minimum pain. They tested my HCG again on Thursday and it was at 84 which confirmed I lost the baby. I cried for about three days but I haven't cried since. I miss my baby everyday, but when you fall off a horse you have to get back on. Which is a funny saying because I am terrified of horses. And losing my baby has been terrifying. I feel better about the whole situation because Brent's dad passed away when he was 12, so I feel like God made this baby for the purpose of it going to heaven to be with Brent's dad. I am still very sad, but that helps a lot knowing where my baby is. Now were ready to try again, but there isn't any right timing. Everything is off schedule down there and I have no idea when I will be ovulating or when my period is even due. They say if I haven't gotten a period six weeks after my miscarriage to take a home pregnancy test. So I'm hoping we hit the mark and get to have a baby. Im sure I'm going to have many more days that are hard to deal with, but I'm doing good right now. I looked at it two ways, I could be depressed and go on with getting the bare minimums done, which would be perfectly fine, or I could use this time to get things done that I can't when I'm pregnant. I was sad that I couldn't finish painting our bedroom, so now I am determined to get that done.  Maybe I'm in a weird funk and avoiding my emotions, but I just feel good right now. Like this was just a hiccup in our journey. Whatever it is, and whatever I am or am not feeling, I know this baby is missed everyday and I will always miss and love my baby. And he/she is waiting for me in heaven. 

Hold tight baby

We went up north to my parents house for the weekend and it was the most active iv been so far with this baby. Nothing crazy, just not very many breaks. We were playing yard games and walking around non stop it seemed. We were playing botchee ball Saturday and everytime I threw my ball I could feel my uterus stretching and then after we ate dinner I blew up and looked liked I was 6 months pregnant. Everyone was concered there is more than one baby.

Thank goodness the 'bump' went down in the morning again. But really, wow! I am excited to show, but when I'm supposed to be. My mom said she was in maternity clothes before the 3rd month but then she shrank a little, I must take after her. 

But then when we were on the way home Sunday, we stopped at a gas station so I could pee and there was a very small amount of red blood. I know this can be normal but it is terrifying. I went out to the car and just started crying. When we got home it had stopped, but there was a very slight pinkish before I went to bed and now this morning it is getting worse. I am terrified. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to make sure everything is ok. I know whatever happens is going to happen but I feel like crap. My job is to protect this baby and I feel like I letting him/her down. I have been praying constantly and I have no cramping or anything so that is a good sign, but no matter what it is so scary. I am just taking it very easy today, it's a rainy day so perfect for movies and laying on the couch. I just want to rest my baby as much as I can. I know I didn't do anything to hurt the baby, I was playing yard games. That is nothing. But I should have taken more breaks and maybe this is the baby saying I need rest. I don't want to be lazy though and my brother in law is coming this weekend so I want the house to be spotless. But id much rather have a messy house and healthy baby. 

I love you so much baby and I pray that you are doing ok in there. I pray that you keep holding on tight and that we have a very healthy term together. You are loved by so many people already and I am doing everything I can to protect you. I hope I haven't let you down. You are already apart of this family so please keep holding on. I am getting you to the doctor tomorrow to make sure your healthy. I hope to see you and your heartbeat tomorrow. You mean everything to me and your dad and we can't wait to meet you. I love you so much baby. 

Bloated

Holy bloated. Every morning after I poop I look like i normally do, then by the time I go to bed I am so bloated. I feel great in the mornings, at night my whole body is just exhausted. My boobs hurt so bad that even going down the stairs with a bra on I have to hold them =\ is should probably go get a much more supportive bra. But in the morning they don't hurt nearly as bad. My stomach makes crazy gurgly noises in the evenings and feels like gas pains with stretching. I am more happy in the mornings and cranky at night which is the opposite of what it normally is. The only things that I notice in the mornings is that my back hurts. I must not be sleeping in a good position at all. I desperetly want to sleep on my stomach but it just felt very weird and unatural, it felt like I was crushing my baby and didn't feel safe. I asked the doctor over the phone if I can sleep or lay on my stomach and they said no. Basically everything I though, maybe that's my motherly instinct kicking in already?? I also scheduled our first appointment, June 2nd. It seems very far away so I'm hoping the weeks go by fast. I think they will, we are going up to my parents this weekend for opener and my cousin Bethany is going up with us and my aunt and uncle are going, and my other cousin might go too! I am very excited. We all live 10 minutes away except my cousin Chris, but it is always fun up there with everyone. And the next weekend my brother in law Troy and his girlfriend are coming here. It is also Brent's birthday on the 15th, and my half birthday that day ;) the days will hopefully go by fast so I can see my baby soon! 

First purchase

I bought my first purchase for the baby! Wild gear! Miko looks a little concerned in this picture that those outfits are for him. I also bought a shirt that says current family favorite, fuzzy socks, and little baby hangers. I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl, I'm hoping for a girl. I am excited to decorate the baby's room and guy all the gender clothes and extras. It seems like it's going to be forever until we find out. It seems so far away for our first doctors appointment even which i want to schedule for about three weeks away. According to my last period I am 4 weeks and 4 days along, im sure that will change a little at my first appointment. I do have questions about exercising though, walking just doesn't seem like enough. I want to use my shake weight and do my regular yoga but everyone says to ask my doctor but that seems so far away. I just feel so out of shape and icky. I'm super bloated and constipated. Its like when you get your period, but then it goes away and you feel super skinny and feel great. I guess it's going to be awhile until I feel like that again haha. I just wish I got the baby bump right away and you could  tell it obvious your pregnant. Baby bumps are so cute, and I am excited for that to show. But again, it will be awhile. I haven't had any symptoms besides bloated and constipated. Some heart burn with certain foods, but iv been using lemon and peppermint essential oils for that and it's been working great! I ate a fiber one bar last night and had coffee this morning and that worked for the constipation. Things are going good and I hope they stay that way, hopefully no morning sickness. But I'm sure it's on it's way. 

Whoa baby!

WERE PREGNANT!

I took a test Tuesday evening and there were two lines instantly! I was so sure I wasn't pregnant, I guess everyone was right about just relaxing. We are both still in shock, excited, but shocked that it only took two tries, and shocked that were going to be parents. We already told my parents, Brent's mom, and a few friends. Were hoping nobody spreads the word so we are able to tell everyone else, and I don't think either of us want to wait until the 2nd trimester. If someone horrible happens I want the support of family and friends. But hopefully the baby just stays strong and keeps growing! I cannot wait to see him or her and hear the heartbeat. I am so excited and shocked. I already love this baby so much!!!

Not much going on

My body has been changing so much lately. After ovulation I get so exhausted up until I get my period, I never used to be tired. My boobs used to start hurting about three days before my period now they are starting to hurt a week early. I would get acne about three days before I got my period too and I'm already breaking out a week early. Also my period used to last two-three days and now it's four-five. It's annoying that I'm noticing all these small changes now because it's quite deceiving when your ttc. This month hasn't been as bad as last, im not obsessing over every little thing and I'm not planning anything. I was a little sad over Easter that I couldn't announce it when we were dying Easter eggs, but that is really the only thing I thought about. Oh and the hot tub, iv been wanting to sit in it so bad but if something is happening inside me that would be like cooking it, so no hot tub. And I'm on an alcohol kick, which means once or twice a week which is rare, but I can't drink it. I think I want things more now because I can't have them. We went a couple months without sitting in the hot tub, and I rarely ever drink. I'm sure if I get my period in a week I won't want any of that. But besides those small things, there's not much going on. I'm pretty content and just being normal. Hopefully this feeling stays this way for another week. 

Method #2

I am much happier now than in my last post. Definitely a mixture of evil period moods and the emotions of not conceiving. I'm just glad I'm happier now. This cycle is way different than the last already. Last month I did a crazy amount of research, ate certain foods and avoided certain foods, I wanted to be perfect. Now that didn't work at all to help conceive, I'm not even thinking about what I should or shouldn't be doing now, with some exceptions. I'm still not cleaning the cleaner and I'm ok with that, but it is annoying not being able to clean it and to rely on Brent to clean it, but he's doing a better job than I ever did. I'm still trying to exercise, key word is trying. I'm still not taking drugs, wouldn't want to even if we weren't trying to conceive. The day I got my period I drank a lot of coffee in retaliation and because I love it, but I'm so used to one cup a day now that it was too much. I got cavities filled on Monday and they gave me laughing gas, which caused a headache and I still have it. I wouldn't have had to option to get the gas if I was pregnant. I'm also craving alcohol. Not like taking shots or getting drunk, just a Bloody Mary or a beer with olives. It has been a very long time since iv had a beer, it just hasn't sounded good at all. I think now that it is getting warmer out a beer sounds delicious. I'll still cut out alcohol and extra caffeine once I'm in the two week wait which starts in a week. So for the rest of this week I'm going to live completely normal. That seems to be everyone's advice too, friends and family and online. If this doesn't help us to conceive maybe a combination of both? But I don't have anymore methods so it can't take longer than three months ;) iv also been contemplating telling my mom that we are trying for a baby. I think if it takes longer than three months and I'm upset or frustrated I'll tell her. Otherwise iv been pretty content with the people who know. I did also add my cousin Bethany who is more of a sister to the list of people who know. Hopefully I can keep this calmness once I'm in the two week wait, it really is much more peaceful.